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Entry tags:	fic commentary

Commentary for Lotions Master SNAP
Read the fic sans commentary here.

As I said in the author's notes, this was inspired by an AIM convo about badfic which left me really wanting to write about Snape running a BPAL-like lotion business. So I included it as a choice for the Finish-a-thon, never dreaming that it would get the response it did. I suppose it's a good thing it did, though, because it was so hard to come up with an actual story based on the lotions master idea that had I not been committed to writing it for a challenge, I would likely have given up and never written it at all. Which would be a shame, because I really like it.

By the time I actually sat down to write the story, I'd long since ditched the idea of campy Snape. I just couldn't come up with a plausible situation. So I decided to concentrate on the lotion business part.

"Which do you think, Fairy Dust or Basilisk's Glare?"

Coming up with the lotion names was something I saved til almost the end. I originally just had stuff like "[blah] or [blah]", because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with them. BPAL has so many outlandish names that it's kind of hard to mock, so in the end I just decided to go with more HP-sounding names. I skimmed through the bestiary section of HP Lexicon for names.

Harry didn't look up from the sports section. "Why are you asking me?"

In a rare move for me, I actually wrote out the entirety of the first scene in dialogue only and then came back and filled in the narration. The dialogue is really what carries it, so there wasn't much to fill in, but still.

I'm not sure why I went with past tense in this one. I've not done past tense for ages...I think A Light to Get Me There was the last thing, and that was over a year ago.

"Because that's why I asked you over, and because I'll fuck it up if I do it myself." Vanishing the paper with a flick of his wand, Ron continued before Harry could complain, "And no, I can't ask Ginny. You know she'd tell Hermione everything, and then I'd catch it for not picking out the bloody thing myself."

Sighing, Harry reached across the table for a SNAP catalogue. "How many of these do you have anyway?" he said, flipping through the pages.

I originally wasn't sure what I was going to call the lotion company, so I just had [BPAL] as a place-holder. Then it hit me - SNAP! Of course! It's even the right number of letters. I liked A for Alchemy too much to change it (and it fits with the HP theme already), so I just changed the others. I needed a color, an animal, and a place. For the animal, again I used the bestiary on HP Lexicon to find something unique to HP that started with an N, thus Niffler. P gave me the most trouble, as at first I was trying to come up with something that had the same meaning as lab, but in the end I just gave up and tried for any place beginning with P. I quite like Parlour and am glad I hit on it.

"Nine," Ron said. "That I've spotted, anyway. She's been leaving them everywhere."

"Subtle."

"Like Hagrid after a piss-up."

I confess to being quite fond of this exchange. Can't you just see Hermione leaving all those catalogues around the house?

"Oh, fuck me," Harry breathed.

"No. Thank you."

This Ron is not exactly comfortable with the idea of Harry being gay and will try to shut down the conversation if it ever veers that direction.

"Shut up." Harry kicked Ron's shin under the table. "I didn't mean it literally." The bloke in the catalogue, the embodiment of tall, dark, and handsome, winked up at him whilst rubbing lotion on his hands in a way which went right past suggestive to porn. "Not you, anyway. Who the hell is this?"

"Who the hell is who?"

Harry shoved his copy over at Ron, jabbing at the picture. "Him. Fucking gorgeous, isn't he?"

"Not you, too?" Ron sighed.

"What, does Hermione fancy our lotions master?"

I just had to get the phrase "lotions master" in here somewhere, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

"Not just Hermione. Every witch in England...hell, according to Fleur, every witch in all of Europe's been drooling over him. Reminds me of Lockhart back in second year."

"He's fitter than Lockhart."

"Whatever." Ron shrugged. "All I know is the bastard's raking in the galleons because of it. No one needs that many bottles of lotion."

Harry snorted. "So what's his name?"

"Dunno. Bit of a mystery, really. Nobody'd ever heard of him until these catalogues started showing up." Ron frowned and chewed his lip. "Look, d'you reckon she'd like Unicorn? 'Innocent maidens dancing in the mist. Notes of morning dew, unicorn hair, and trodden grass.'" Shaking his head, he muttered, "What the fuck is that supposed to smell like...?"

I had fun coming up with the description for that, but it was hard, too, so I left it at the one. Another way in which BPAL kind of already parodies itself...

"There's an address."

It was around here that I started having trouble. I still had no idea where I was going with this, except that it would involve Harry and Snape in some way. The beginning really just flowed, but then I was stuck for ages. Should there be a shop in Diagon Alley that Harry runs across? I toyed with that idea for a while, but then ditched it for reasons I don't remember at the moment. Instead I decided he'd see the address and go check it out.

"What?"

"An address. On the back of the catalogue."

"Well, yeah. Got to owl in your orders, haven't you?"

"Maybe it's a shop," Harry said, wondering if the bloke's teeth sparkled that way in person, or if it was just the picture that was charmed.

I like the idea of a charm for a bright smile, but can't remember if I thought of it myself or if it's actually a Lockhart thing.

"In Brixton? Get better business in Diagon Alley."

"I dunno. Could be Muggle, couldn't it? Running a wizarding business on the side."

"Well, what's it matter? Look, the important thing is do I get Butterbeer or Boggart? Or Dementor's Kiss? That one's a limited edition."

"How should I know? Anyway, they probably all smell the same."

While I have many friends who claim to be able to smell individual notes in the perfumes and such, I do kind of wonder.

Ron glared at him and then down at the catalogue. "You're not helping."

"Why not all three?"

"Have you seen the prices on these things?"

"All right, two." Harry sucked his lower lip between his teeth, eyes glued to the page as Mr Lotion repeated his demonstration. "You get her one, I'll get the other."

No answer, and when he looked up, he found Ron frowning at him.

"No, look. I'll go and take a look at this shop. Check him- It. Check it out. I-"

"Stop," Ron said, holding up his hand. "I don't want to know."

Which is how Harry found himself in Brixton the next day, trudging down a dodgy road in search of SNAP headquarters. The neighbourhood was...well, the less said about that, the better; he kept his wand at hand.

I wanted a dodgy area of London and had originally thought to have Harry go out thinking it was a shop, but find it to be Snape's flat instead. I got hung up on details and ended up deciding a shop would be better anyway.

"Twenty-four, twenty-four," he muttered under his breath. "Twenty..."

There. Nestled between a newsagents and a run-down video shop was an even more run-down shop with nothing more than a small sign in the window advertising 'Herbs, Potions, All-Natural Remedies' to indicate its trade. Nothing at all about lotion, and it certainly didn't look like the sort of place Sparkle-teeth would run. Right street, though, and this was definitely number twenty-four.

It really bothers me that there are two instances of shop and more in that first sentence, but even now I can't think of a better way to reword it, so I suppose it will stay.

Frowning, Harry slid his wand into his pocket, pushed the door open, and stepped inside. It was dim, mostly candlelit, and he peered around, unsure whether or not there was actually anyone in the room with him. "Can't see a bloody thing," he muttered, then raised his voice, "Hullo?"

I didn't originally mean for it to be significant, but after further thought, I like the idea that he steps into the dark and that's where everything starts to go downhill. At this point I still wasn't thinking it would take such a serious turn, but even so, it's less jokey than the banter with Ron, and this is where it feels to me like the transition is, rather than with the act itself.

He wasn't sure what he'd expected something called Silver Niffler Alchemy Parlour to look like, but this definitely wasn't it. There were rows of towering shelves filled with God knows what, making the narrow room seem even more cramped, and he thought he spotted a cauldron in one corner. Definitely not Muggle, this, though trying, from the look of the garish crystals for sale by the till, to pass as some sort of new age shop.

Had to get the full name of SNAP in there somewhere. That short paragraph of description was actually rewritten more times than I care to remember.

"Hullo?" he called again. Aside from the Muggle rubbish, it looked rather familiar...

I checked (HP Lexicon again) to see if much was said about Snape's office, etc. but while it does say it was dimly lit, there was nothing about whether it was messy or neat, so I decided to go with my own preference for messy.

"Do try to have at least a modicum of patience," came an entirely too-familiar voice from the back of the shop. It was followed by footsteps, and then an "I don't-" and a thud as something heavy fell to the floor.

I admit, one of the reasons I've never written Snape before was that I didn't know whether I could or not. I think I managed some fairly Snape-ish lines here, though.

Harry blinked. Perhaps his eyes weren't yet adjusted to the dimness, because they saw what his ears were hearing, and surely that couldn't be right. "You're supposed to be dead." Or at least that's what everyone had assumed after nearly five years.

Too exposition-y? It seems a bit so to me, but I wanted to give some sense of when this was taking place, and also get across that Snape had been missing since the final battle (or perhaps before). I'd originally planned to have it set present-day, which would be more like ten years, and I don't remember why I chose five instead.

"Sorry to disappoint you," said Snape, who immediately turned on his heel, bent to pick up whatever it was that had fallen, and headed back the way he'd come. "Now if you'd excuse me, I'm quite busy at the moment."

In my mind, Snape is just like "Oh. You. *ignores*" and I'm not sure I really got that across or not.

"Doing what?" Harry took a step closer. "When's the last time you had a customer in here, anyway?"

"My time is my own now, Potter. I do not need to answer to anyone, least of all you."

"Wait!" Harry dashed across the room, narrowly avoiding a run-in with a precariously balanced stack of books. "I just want to ask you one thing," he said, grabbing hold of Snape's arm and marvelling for a moment at the very idea of him in jeans and a jumper. Can't go around in robes all the time when you're pretending - however badly - to be Muggle, I suppose.

Snape jerked his arm away. "You, of all people, know how unwelcome I am in the wizarding world. Albus' will or not-"

I liked the idea of Snape assuming Harry wanted to ask about where he's been, why he's hiding, etc. when all Harry wants to know is where's Mr Lotion?

"I don't care about that." Digging in his pocket, Harry pulled out the crumpled catalogue page. The bloke winked at him; Snape looked ill. "You must know who this is." Harry waved the page at him. "He's using this address for... Oi, what's that in your hand?"

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Snape said, "I'm afraid I must insist you leave now."

"No." Harry made a grab for his hand, but Snape was quicker than he looked. "I don't think I will."

Snape pulled his wand, but this time Harry was one step ahead of him. "Expelliarmus!" he shouted, and Snape's wand sailed into his hand with a satisfying smack. He shoved them both in his pocket. "Now tell me the truth. Is that or is that not a bottle of Limited Edition Dementor's Kiss in your hand."

Still going for a bit lighthearted here, but I think I already knew where it was heading. I had the idea (back when I finally got over my block earlier and got Harry into the shop) that Harry would blackmail Snape into letting him fuck Lotion!Snape.

Me: I think what I'm going to do is Harry goes to the address on the back of the SNAP catalogue, hoping to see the hot guy who's the face of SNAP (who is of course Snape polyjuiced).
Me: He finds out it's actually Snape, who's gone into hiding after the war...rogue Death Eaters looking for him, maybe. So Harry threatens to out him unless he lets him shag polyjuiced!Snape.
ana: hohoho!
ana: adventurous!harry!
Me: Yes, yes, I can see it now. Harry finds out it's Snape and thinks to himself, did I just spend last night wanking to photos of SNAPE!? He's quite cross!
ana: heee
Me: And he will be all zomg the least you can do is let me shag you!
Me: Capslock!Harry: SCARRED FOR LIFE OMG
ana: scarred for life cos he wanked to snape BUT to make up for it he wants to shag snape.
ana: gotta love horny youth logic :-)
ana: *approves*
Me: Capslock!Harry's cock: Makes sense to me.

So you see, at that point, it was still fairly humorous, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised, uh...no. This can't be played for laughs. So then it started getting darker, and I was worried it wouldn't mesh well with the banter-y beginning, but I kept on.

"It is," Snape gritted out.

"Are you two business partners or something?" Harry could see that. Any business venture of Snape's would benefit from a public face like Mr Sparkly Teeth. He tried to peek over Snape's shoulder into the back room. "Where is he?"

With a sigh, Snape stepped aside. "There is no him. I am the sole proprietor of this," he waved his hand at the bottles of lotion that packed the shelves, the parcels piled up on the table, ready to be posted, "enterprise."

Harry frowned down at the photo, then glanced back up at Snape. "Did you just hire him for this photo shoot, then? Surely you have some way to get in contact-"

"No, no, you stupid boy." Snape swept past him into the other room, thunked the bottle of lotion down on the table, and proceeded to rummage about on the shelves. Harry was debating whether to protest 'stupid' or 'boy', but Snape didn't give him a chance. "Have the years left you even more dim-witted than you were at school?"

Harry is a bit thick. I had fun with that bit.

Harry bristled. "I don't have to take that." His fingers curled around the wands in his pocket. "I've got your wand."

"Are you threatening me?" Snape sounded amused, which only made Harry angrier. "Aha!" Holding up a small vial, he turned back to Harry. "Here we are."

This was originally two paragraphs with a bit more in between. I had Snape saying something about how he thought that was Hermione's job, and Harry says to leave Hermione out of it (it's times like this I wish I was better about keeping outtakes), but then I kept coming back to it wondering if Hermione had ever actually threatened anyone. I mean, there was the thing with the DA, and leading Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest, which is the sort of thing I was thinking about, but it's more plotting than threatening, so in the end I took it out. I liked it, though.

Keeping a firm grip on the wands, Harry took a step forward. He eyed the vial suspiciously. "What's that?"

"I told you there was no him. Unless, of course," Snape said, pulling the stopper out and giving the glass a tap, "you count this."

"Oi, what're you-" Harry started, but it was too late. One minute Snape was lifting the vial to his lips and the next he was gone, and in his place was the bloke from the catalogue. "What...?" Too fast-acting to be polyjuice. He thought of the long wank-session last night and felt a bit sick. "How...?"

I still find that last bit amusing. Poor Harry.

"I invented it myself." Snape smiled, teeth gleaming. "It turns the user into a rather idealised version of himself."

I realised early on that polyjuice wouldn't work. It takes longer to work than I wanted, and it would mean there'd actually have to be a real Mr Lotion out there somewhere, which wouldn't do. I looked around a bit in the HP Lexion to see if there was anything that might work, but in the end figured, hey, Snape's good with potions, he can damn well invent something himself. Also this way is more humiliating for Harry, since it means he was actually wanking to Snape, even if it was an idealised Snape. (Also a bit of a poke at fandom...)

I wanked over Snape, Harry thought, horrified. The worst part was, his dick wanted another go right now. Snape's smile became a smirk, and no, that was far worse. Snape knew. The bastard knew what Harry was thinking, no doubt about it. The way Harry'd come charging in here, demanding to see him, Snape would have had to be an idiot not to know he wasn't after the damn lotion, and galling as it was to admit it, Snape was far from stupid.

I can't decide whether it's just Harry lusting after Lotion!Snape, or whether there was something in the potion that hooked people. Sort of like a love potion, but not something you need to drink yourself to be affected by. Helens also suggested that Harry had some feelings for Snape, which is not how I saw it, but is a perfectly valid interpretation, IMO. Can you slash slash? Putting emotions in where there was only lust before?

If he didn't know better, he'd have thought the fucker planned it all.

And maybe he hadn't, but it was his fault Harry was hard. Everything was his fault. In an instant, Harry had him shoved against the bookshelf, one hand fisted in the front of his jumper. "I'm going to fuck you," he said, surprised at how calm he sounded. Surprised at how quickly that wiped the smirk from Snape's face, too. Well.

Lust tinged with a desire to humiliate Snape as much as he himself has been humiliated, that is.

"I always knew you were queer," Snape spat.

You were one up on me, then. But all Harry said was, "Recognise your own kind?"

The way Snape looked away, mouth tightening, was answer enough. Not that it mattered either way.

I like this exchange. This Harry didn't figure out he was gay until after the war was over, but Snape's the observant sort.

"I've your wand here." Harry tapped the side of Snape's face with it. "I could tell everyone about your little business. See how many customers you get then. We'll see how long you last when Lucius Malfoy and the rest of the old Death Eaters know where you are." He stepped closer, pressing his hard-on against Snape's thigh. "Hell, I could kill you myself."

I like the idea of Lucius and his band of merry menragged Death Eaters still trying to take over the world, post-Voldemort.

"You wouldn't dare."

Harry tightened his grip on Snape's jumper, thumped his fist against Snape's chest. "I don't care what Dumbledore told you to do. I will never forgive you for that. Now turn around," he said, taking a step back, "and get your trousers down."

Oh yes, and revenge, too. This Harry is a bit unhinged. I, uh, never cared for Snape/Harry before, but this has made me want to write it more, and lucky for me, I prefer fucked up to happy ending, so HBP hasn't ruined anything for me in that regard.

He grabbed the first bottle of lotion at hand, and barked a laugh when he saw the label. Innocent maidens, indeed. He unzipped his jeans, used just enough lotion to ease his way, and kept a firm grip on the wands the entire time.

I like that last sentence a lot. I think it does a good job of setting the tone in a very few words. Harry is very methodical here, mechanical, even. It's switched from wanting to shag Lotion!Snape to not really being about fucking at all.

Harry's breathing was ragged, louder than anything, and Snape was so quiet, Harry would wonder if he was breathing at all if he couldn't see the rise and fall of his back.

I debated putting something in here about whether Snape brought himself off or not, but decided to leave it out. Harry doesn't care.

He hadn't thought it would take this long. As hard as he'd been, he would have thought it'd be over in minutes. Instead it seemed to take an eternity, his rage draining away slowly with each slap of his hips against Snape's arse, and by the time he finally did come, he wondered why he'd bothered.

Okay, I really, really like this. The sex isn't good, it's not worth it, he can't come, and he's slowly realising what he's done.

With a muttered Scourgify, Harry got rid of the mess. He zipped up his jeans, took the bottle of Dementor's Kiss from the table, and tossed Snape's wand down in its place. There was a rustling behind him as Snape pulled his jeans up, but Harry didn't dare turn around. Without another word, he Apparated directly to Ron and Hermione's.

Helens assumed that Harry would be back, and to be honest, I did almost write him saying he would, but I liked leaving it open better.

"You alone?" he said when Ron opened the door.

"Yeah?"

With what he hoped was a passable grin, Harry held up the bottle. "For the Missus."

And now we're out of the dark and Harry is trying to rebuild himself - or to rebuild the facade, rather. It's not that the act has broken him (the war has broken him, life has broken him). It was easy, and that's what he's trying to get away from. He wants to get back to Ron and Hermione and pretend to himself that he's not like that. And Ron is typically oblivious, which is what Harry needs. He wants that banter. He knows if he says to Ron that he got it free of charge that Ron will assume he shagged this guy and flirted his way into a free bottle, and then Harry can accept that lie himself. That person he was with Snape is not who he wants to be, and so he wants to just get out of there and get back to where things are "normal" as soon as possible.

"Brilliant!" Ron ushered him in, clapping him on the shoulder. "You know, I thought for sure that was just an excuse."

"Well, I did get it free of charge."

Ron groaned loudly and pulled a face. "Please. No details."

"My lips are sealed."

I'm not completely happy with the ending. I mean, it's saying what I wanted it to say; that I wouldn't change. Just the wording. I wanted a better ending line, something that packed more of a punch. But I couldn't think of anything better and the deadline was looming, so I left it with that.

All in all, I'm really pleased with this, despite the odd turn it took. I worried a bit about letting people down who were expecting crackfic, but eh.

And this is three for three now where challenge fics have made me want to write a new HP pairing. First was the 2004 Remix Redux, where I wrote Sirius/Remus for the first time, then was this year's Pornish Pixies Fantasy Fest, where I discovered I really liked the possibilities of Sirius/James, too. And now this has got me wanting to write more Snape/Harry.