Commentary: Not Something I Can Be Proud Of (Sirius/Remus)
Read the fic sans commentary here.

The request here was "Harry/Draco, Sirius/Remus/Harry, Snape/Draco, Blaise/Harry, or Tom Jr/Tom Sr. I am a sucker for fluff, but obviously some of those pairings just cant be dealt with in that light. My kinks are cross-gen, rimming, tie!bondage, and skirt!sex".

I wanted to do the Sirius/Remus/Harry, because then I could fit it on my Sirius chart, but I was worried about her preference for fluff. I mean, I can't see fluff for any of those pairings, especially not the pairing I wanted to do. So I wibbled about it for ages and then finally just decided to trust the "obviously some of those pairings just cant be dealt with in that light" disclaimer and go with what I wanted to do. Turned out to be a good choice, because not only am I hugely pleased with it myself, but she seemed to really like it, too.

It's not something Remus likes to admit, even to himself, but when Sirius came back, there's no denying Remus was relieved that James was out of the picture.

I was trying to figure out how to do this. I had the idea right away, that Sirius would be fixated on Harry and Remus would see it for what it was. I can't see this pairing as being anything but incredibly fucked up (unless it's AU futurefic where Sirius doesn't die), and even then, Sirius is so messed up that I can't see it being healthy). So I had the idea, but it was vague and I didn't know where to start, but then I was driving alone one evening and these first lines just came to me, and I knew exactly how I was going to do it.

The first time he held Sirius, still nearly skin and bones from his time in Azkaban, the first time they kissed since Sirius had escaped, Remus remembers thinking at least now he'd have Sirius to himself, at least he wouldn't have to worry that Sirius was thinking of James while Remus fucked him, not with James dead for fourteen years.

I have a weakness for one-sided Remus/Sirius with Sirius kinda sorta taking advantage of Remus. Yes.

And ack, I just realised I had twelve years there instead of fourteen. :( *changes omg*

But that was stupid, wasn't it, because Remus had been thinking of Sirius for just that long. Sirius had maybe, very likely, been a traitor, a murderer, and Remus had still woken up nights with his hand on his dick and his mind fuzzy with half-remembered dreams. He'd drunk himself senseless to stop thinking about Sirius and it hadn't worked.

I think the "Sirius had maybe, very likely, been a traitor, a murderer" might have worked better as "Sirius had maybe - very likely - been a traitor, a murderer". Too many commas.

So why he'd thought a little thing like James being dead would help matters is beyond him. Especially with Harry around. Sirius's eyes follow Harry the way they'd always followed James, and Remus knows it's not Harry Sirius is seeing at all.

I really like this last line.

Harry doesn't notice, but Remus does. Remus notices the way Sirius's hand lingers just a bit too long on Harry's shoulder, the way he leans in just a bit too close. He notices the look in Sirius's eyes, and he wants to shake him and say for Christ's sake, Padfoot, he's only fifteen! but half the time he wonders whether Sirius doesn't think he's still fifteen himself.

I have a lot of love for this paragraph. For one thing, it uses one of my favorite writing quirks, which is the triple repetition (here of "notice"). It just gives a good rhythm. I also like the bit about Sirius still thinking he's fifteen, because it feels very true to Sirius's actions in OotP.

And when they were fifteen, did Sirius go down on James the way he did on Remus? Remus doesn't know, but he knows Sirius wanted to, maybe closed his eyes and imagined he was.

It feels more inevitable than surprising when Remus walks in one night without knocking and has to back out of Sirius's room quickly, mumbling apologies. He wasn't quick enough, though, and the image feels imprinted on his retinas of Harry, flushed and gasping, knees drawn up as Sirius's head bobs up and down between his thighs.

The last sentence feels a bit awkward to me, but I was unable to figure out any other way to word it.

Feeling slightly ill, Remus trudges back to his room, sits down heavily on his bed and berates himself for being jealous. For being jealous of Harry, anyway, because Sirius doesn't want him any more than he wants Remus. They're both just substitutes, only Harry is a better one.

And that thought does leave a little spike of jealousy, a twist in his gut. He lies back, laughing mirthlessly. "Pathetic, Moony." Is that all he's ever wanted, to be the perfect substitute? Did he realise at some point that there was no hope of anything more and just give up?

I'm iffy on these two paragraphs as well. They feel a bit tell-y.

Sirius comes to him later, doesn't speak of Harry. He's drunk, and Remus knows he was drunk then, too. Then again, Sirius has been drunk most days since Dumbledore made him prisoner in his own house. Prisoner again after such a short-lived freedom. Remus can think of few things more cruel.

I think I mention this fairly often, Sirius being virtually imprisoned again so soon after Azkaban. I know it just came up in the most recent fic I wrote, too.

I remember being stuck here for a while, unsure of how to get from Sirius and Harry to Sirius and Remus, but it worked out well eventually.

When they kiss, Remus imagines he can taste Harry under layers of alcohol. They writhe on the bed, still fully clothed until Remus finally gets frustrated and fumbles for his wand, wordlessly sending their robes flying. Sirius's hands are all over Remus, splayed flat on his chest and moving down, over belly and hips and curving around to his arse, where one remains as the other wraps around his cock.

Should have maybe gone with "Sirius's hands are all over him" and dropped the Remus there. It jars when I reread it and there would be no confusion using a pronoun. Otherwise I like this bit a lot (yay handjobs), especially the last sentence. I like the flow of it.

Remus is lost in it momentarily, in the rutting, grinding need of it,

I love that. Absolutely love it.

and then he pushes Sirius away. "Suck me," he rasps,

That, too. >_>

and something like understanding flashes in Sirius's eyes. Sirius wriggles down the bed, wordlessly pushing Remus more fully onto his back.

Um...perhaps I ought to have just said I loved the whole paragraph. IIRC people commented on the "something like understanding" line, which I liked, too, yes.

Fingers tangled in Sirius's hair, Remus guides him down, inhales sharply at the first lick, the push of Sirius's tongue into his slit. Sirius's eyelashes flutter and for a moment he doesn't look as if he's spent over a decade in the company of Dementors. It makes Remus's chest hurt and he has to look away, staring blankly up at the ceiling.

I really love those last two lines. Ow. Mmm...twisty chest.

Sirius is rough, fingers working into Remus's arse with only the briefest pause for spit. His thumbnail is ragged, scraping deeper and deeper into Remus's hip until he's sure it'll hit bone.

I like that little detail.

The little flashes of pain only bring him closer. He's hanging by a thread, muscles taut, and then he feels it, the moment just before orgasm where he's not quite there, but it's inevitable, couldn't hold back if he tried.

It crashes over him, leaves him breathless and shaking. When Sirius kisses him now, he can only taste himself, but the bitter aftertaste is the same and the room feels crowded.

This is possibly one of my favorite ending lines. I love when I find the perfect line to end on.